a lot of change

I suppose that my life right now is best described by the fact that when I went to the shrink a few months ago to get prescribed for anti depressants I had to fill out a form about my medical history and whatnot, and under the part that asked me to check off major life changes in the past six months, I put a check for "Got Married" and also for "Divorce/Separation".

I still have trouble coming to terms with it, but yes, Elizabeth and I are separated. I still don't exactly know why. In the end it comes down to the fact that a relationship needs both people to be happy, and for whatever reason, whether by my fault or not, she was not happy. There are a lot of things I wish I did differently, but that really is neither here nor there. I don't even blame her for what she has done, even though it hurts me in a way I can't begin to explain, I know it hurts her too, and I know that she is doing what she believes is best for her, and that is what I want for her in the end.

I have gone through a lot of phases, as far as being angry, depressed, blaming myself, blaming her. I still don't know how I feel. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that this might be over. I'm afraid of that eventuality. I don't know how I'll deal with that, and so I pretend, I deny, I do what I can to be optimistic, and I guess in a way that makes it harder.

The difficult thing is this. Yes, I miss her. Yes I have a certain amount of dependency on her and that is part of why I wish I was back with her. I am a needy person. But besides all of that, I still love her. I look at pictures of her and am still incredibly attracted to her. Perhaps more so than when we were together and I took her presence for granted. After she moved out, she got her nose pierced, and got a tattoo. Both of which I really like on her. Now she is moving to an apartment in Baltimore. The sad thing is, that without me, she is becoming more of what I would like her to be. It is like fate is rubbing it in my face that I can't have what I really want. I want to live in the city, I want to spend time with this beautiful girl, even if she can be hard to deal with at times, and even if she is treating me like shit right now. I know that I can be difficult too. I know that I have a lot to work out as far as what I expect in a relationship. And I don't doubt that she still cares for me, but she is probably as confused and depressed as I am. We are both treating each other poorly for lack of knowing how to deal with this constructively.

I have started to realize that I may never be able to be friends with her if we do stay broken up. I have always been able to be friends with my exes. In fact, I am meeting with my girlfriend from freshman year this weekend for lunch... 7 years later, I'm still talking to her. I can see her and talk to her and it doesn't even cross my mind that I once loved her, and had an intimate relationship with her. But I don't think I can ever look at Elizabeth in a platonic way without feeling sad. Without hating myself and her for what happened. And I guess that bothers me more than anything, that I may never be able to have her in my life in one way or another no matter what happens.

Anyway, I have no idea if anyone will even see this... and probably anyone who will already knows all of this, but writing all of this down helps me to sort things out and get things off my mind. perhaps I'll start doing this more. Thanks for listening internet land.